Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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