I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
