DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
