dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
