the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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