the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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