well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
