there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
