The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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