I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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