where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
