Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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