I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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