You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Can I color on your dick again?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize