Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
