$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
