totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
