Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Randomize
