Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My liver just had a heart attack.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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