Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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