Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
