he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
