When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
