let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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