I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
