so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
