There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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