we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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