both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
