so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
