i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Everything about him screamed your future.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize