I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
