I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
id be glad to
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
