Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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