I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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