I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
