there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
we're so committed to being not committed
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
