her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
