the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he thought i was a dude.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize
