If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
