yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Sober January is a disaster.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
