cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
