Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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