i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
