I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
