I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
