The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
