I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize