Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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