remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
