I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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