: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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