I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
