Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
accomplished twins. life is a go
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
