We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
