Non-Jews are for practice
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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