Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
