so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
