Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
