So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
