god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
