I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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